So many of us have been hurt by community

I’ve been burned by community.

I’ve been on the receiving end of spiritual narcissism and gaslighting.

I’ve been fucked over & ostracized.

Gossiped and lied about.

I wrestle with anxiety in social situations, I find myself leery to trust and reluctant to connect but I still believe in the importance of community. I still work to actively build community and weave webs of connection both in real life and in the social inter webs spaces. I work with my anxiety and distrust instead of use it as an excuse to isolate myself. I let it be an opportunity to get better with my boundaries and strengthen my ability to discern.

I believe in community because I know the purpose it serves. Not only does community provide the social construct we need to live our lives, as mammals our nervous systems are designed to co-regulate with the nervous systems of other mammals.

Yes, I can and should meet my mammalian needs for coregulation with my immediate family, my dog and cat but there’s also something deep in my bones that craves a sense of village or tribe.

Once upon a time, our ancestors all lived in small villages and depended upon the land and each other for all of their needs. People worked through their different personalities for the sake of the tribe. This is the type of humaning our nervous system is hard wired for. Years of conquest and empire building and capitalism has not only created a global village, it’s created dysregulated nervous systems that stand vigilantly on guard as we compete for resources and lean towards distrust.

My willingness to turn towards my fear of hurt and continue to nurture relationships around me helps me consciously meet my needs while also meeting this particular moment in time. We are evolving as humans, we don’t have to follow in the same destructive path as those who came before us. I’m not naive enough to think that a rapture-like, mass enlightenment will occur but I do believe consciousness and awareness can help some of us forge pathways to build inclusive community for a more regenerative future.

If you’ve been burned by community, if you find yourself tenderly licking your wounds and curling in to protect yourself, give yourself permission to grieve what’s been lost, give attention to your boundaries and discernment and do what you need to move on. But, please don’t give up on your human need for connection and the importance of community. Do the hard thing. Let your nervous system stretch so it can heal.